widg‧et /ˈwɪdʒɪt/ [wij-it] -noun: Pointless ramblings from the New Forest. Obviously complete & utter Rubbish. Why must I contibute to all this endless talk about me? My self-indulgent knees, spilling themselves all over the internet. Obviously i am Jon and his hair, I AM HIM!

Sunday, May 13, 2007

More Muscular Mayhem

It was time for Clare Patricia Grogan to unpack her high-pitched voice again for a weekend of birthday seasonal bellyache. It was the soon-to-be-ex Chef's turn to be serenaded by the traditional supersonic squeak, audible only to microscopic chinchillas.

Pub & prezzies were unleashed on t'Friday, whilst the riff-raff free, official, royal soiree was hosted on the Saturday. The guests arrived one by one in their spangly afternoon gowns, and were announced (in my mind) by Frank "elderly men in their 40s who think they're athletes just cos they've got a fake tan & tiny, tiny shorts" Bough & Selina "boobly" Scott. She was in charge of the fashion commentary, obviously, whereas Franky handled his areas of expertise: current affairs, who's who & sexual perversions. Hectares of food (Barbecue, huge & chilli) were shovelled down our expanding mouths, gallons of booze (an array of ale, cider & the unknown) followed but was duly consumed by the hungry food, thus preventing the welcome & expected drunkiness.

But of course, thanks to the BBC & Dame Lloyd-Webber, Jason Donovan (and his sodding tasteless dreamcoat) was on hand to interpret our fevered imaginings:

And it came to pass at the end of eight full hours, that Kev dreamed: and, behold, he stood by the barbecue. And, behold, there came up out of the barbecue seven well favoured cowburgers and fatfleshed; and they fed in a meadow. And, behold, seven other cowburgers came up after them out of the river, ill favoured and leanfleshed; and stood by the other cowburgers upon the brink of the flaming barbie. And the ill favoured and leanfleshed cowburgers did eat up the seven well favoured and fat cowburgers. So Kev awoke. And he slept and dreamed the second time: and, behold, seven snakes came up upon one mousey, rank and good. And, behold, seven thin snakes and blasted with the east wind sprung up after them. And the seven thin snakes devoured the seven rank and full mouslets. And Kev awoke, and, behold, it was a dream. And it came to pass in the morning that his spirit was troubled (from booze); and he sent and called for all the magicians of Ringwood, and all the wise men thereof: and Kev told them his dream; but there was none that could tame his hangover, or remove the magic words from his belly. Honk!

Currently listening: Release The Stars by Rufus Wainwright


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