The Tomato's Guide to Personal Grooming

In honour of the finest culinary dish that these hands ever have fiddled with, the lucious Red Choice brings to you, and you alone, her own womb-like signature style secrets. Are you ready (de de duh) to be reborn? Discover the inner tomato that lives within your blackened soul with this truly loving and hateful advice.

Tip #1: Keep it tarty.

Tip #2: Hitch up your short skirt of pastry puff, barely held together with the merest saliva-string of finest egg "egg" yolk, and wave your best clicking hand with as much gratuitous attitude as you can muster. Only then must you snap your lady fingers, but once you have embarked on this most fragrant of gambits, do not stop. You must keep up your flagrant clicking, without pausing for lunch, until your hands are no more than wizened, ketchup-stained stumps.

Tip #3: Go to your furthest Waitrose, for you are a right classy bird, and hang around, or loiter, if you prefer, in the gleaming aisle of vegetables, even though you are but a fruit. Invite a solo Thyme to the party, but make sure she leaves her evil, life-partner Rosemary trapped in her spurning-wheel of shame. Expose those seeds. Some may say, keep 'em guessing, but that is not the tomato way.

Tip #4: Do not venture far from the antiseptic safety of the vegetarians, or you may be ambushed by the hoards of steak-loving, cracked, black peppers, awaiting around the acorner, aready to apounce. If they have their way, you will be left with naught but a a lady-beard of basil and a pair of comfortable, tweed-trimmed clogs.

Take tasty heed, and your dinner parties need never end with an inconvenient police raid, donkey ride or gypsy autopsy ever again.


Currently listening: Everything Is Possible by Os Mutantes